


A Steadfast Desire

by Beserk



Series: A Desire [2]
Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Child Abuse, Emotional Child Abus, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:53:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beserk/pseuds/Beserk
Summary: Ryan misses his Daddy.So he calls him.
Relationships: Billy Butcher & Ryan Butcher | The Homelander's Son, Billy Butcher & The Homelander | John, Billy Butcher/The Homelander | John
Series: A Desire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2188638
Comments: 13
Kudos: 59





	A Steadfast Desire

Ryan took a deep-deep breath. 

"Daddy!" He screeched into the air. "Daddy-Daddy-Dadddddy! Daddy commmme!" 

"What are you doing?!" 

Ryan flinched as Papa came running out into the front porch. He looked scary, really-really angry. Ryan took a step backwards as Papa grabbed him on the arm and put a palm over Ryan's mouth. 

"Ryan, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Papa hissed. 

"Papa, you're hurting me," Ryan whispered. 

Papa immediately took his hands away. He rubbed his eyes, and he suddenly looked so scared. Ryan swallowed, hugging Papa close. 

“I’m sorry, darlin’.” 

"Don't worry, Papa, it's ok," Ryan kissed Papa's forehead. 

"Come on," Papa picked Ryan up and took him back into the house. 

He put Ryan down on the couch and leaned down next to him, tucking a strand of Ryan's hair behind him. Ryan has blond hair, like Daddy. Daddy said that was because Ryan was always meant to be his son. 

Ryan wanted his Daddy, so he told Papa that. 

"I know," Papa sighed. "But I told you, you can't call him." 

"He'll come." 

Papa closed his eyes, real upset, "I know he will, if you call him. That's why you _can't bloody call him_." 

"But Papa-" 

"Stop," Papa snapped. "You're gonna need to trust me, eh? No callin' Daddy." 

"When will he come here?" 

"I don't know." 

"You do know!" Papa knew _everything_. "Why are you being _mean_ " 

Papa groaned and stood up, "I ain't tryin' to be mean. But you gotta listen to me, Ry." 

It's important to listen to Papa and Daddy. But Ryan didn't know what _Daddy_ would say about this. He didn't know because he hadn't seen Daddy in a long-long-long time. 

Yesterday Papa said they'd been in the cabin for two months, but that couldn’t be right because it had been at _least_ three years, Ryan was sure of it. 

He didn’t like it here. He didn't like his new kindergarten and Ms. Max was much less nice than his real teacher Ms. Joan back home. He missed his friends and Granda and Auntie Rachel and his cousin (she was called Rebecca like his mother and was very little. She couldn't even _walk_ yet, Ryan was older so he was supposed to take care of her but he couldn't because Papa and him are far away). He missed his room, he didn't like the room in the cabin, it was not the same. 

And he missed Daddy. He missed Daddy the very most. 

He wanted to call to him again, but Papa was angry and Ryan didn't want him to be angry anymore. 

"Read me a story," Ryan asked instead. Maybe Daddy will hear Papa’s voice from far away and come. 

* 

"Have a good day," Papa kissed Ryan on the forehead. "I'll see you later. Be good, eh?" 

"Aha," Ryan nodded. Papa flicked Ryan on the nose, and Ryan giggled. He waved to Papa as he left the kindergarten, and watched him get into the car and drive away. 

Ryan swallowed and hugged Nori to his chest (Nori was his Homelander plushie) while Papa drove away. He didn't want him to leave, or if he was going to leave, he wanted Papa to leave with Ryan. 

"What are you staring at, weirdo?" 

Ryan flinched as one of the boys from the older groups (they were almost _six_ , they were going to _school_ next year) pushed him. 

"Leave me alone," Ryan mumbled, hugging Nori. 

"Aww, are you scared?" The older boy pushed him again, real hard this time, and Ryan fell on the ground. 

The boy grabbed Nori, and Ryan screamed. He couldn't take Nori, he couldn't! 

"Give him back, give him back!" Ryan felt tears prickle in his eyes and he didn't want to cry, he was a big boy now- 

"Shut up, cry baby," The boy sneered, and then he tore Nori's head off. 

He hurt Nori! He hurt him! 

"Daddy! Daddy come! DADDY COME!" Ryan screamed. "DADDY!" 

"Hello, baby." 

Ryan looked up, and Daddy was there, in his Homelander suit. 

"Daddy," Ryan whispered. 

Daddy picked him up and hugged him close. Ryan closed his eyes, hugging Daddy's neck. 

"Daddy, he hurt Nori," Ryan whispered, hiding his head on Daddy's chest. 

_Daddy's here_ , he thought. _Daddy’s here and_ _Daddy will fix Papa and make him not sad anymore._

"I see that," Daddy picked Nori's body and head up and handed them to Ryan, who clutched them hard. He opened his eyes to see Daddy glaring at the boy, who was looking at him with wide eyes. 

"You're _Homelander_ ," The boy whispered. 

"I am," Daddy said. "And you hurt my son." 

Suddenly Daddy flew them into the air, and before Ryan could ask what Daddy is doing, his eyes grew red and the kindergarten underneath them became fire. 

* 

"I called you before," Ryan said, and Homelander hugged him to his chest. "Why didn't you come?" 

"I'm sorry, buddy," Homelander said. God, he'd missed his boy. Two months was too long, he'd missed so much. "I was looking for you, but I can't hear everything at the same time. I heard you today, and I was so happy. I missed you and Papa so much." 

He could not believe it. Only three minutes ago, he'd been flying around, trying to take his mind of the mourning, the horrible pain. He'd spend the last two months thinking his child was dead. That _Billy_ was dead. The only people in his life he had ever loved-gone. 

When he heard Ryan's voice calling out to him, he'd thought he was imagining it. He'd heard Ryan and Billy before, or at least had thought he was. It had never been real. Until now. 

Ryan hugged the two parts of his doll Nori. Homelander didn't think he understood what had happened back at the kindergarten. He definitely did not understand the Homelander had killed every single person there. 

Couldn't have anyone know that the Homelander had picked up his son. 

"Papa's been sad," Ryan said. 

As far as Homelander was concerned, his husband had no right to be sad. He'd faked his own fucking death, he'd left Homelander. Taken their son and disappeared. 

Homelander had missed him so much. He was still not sure how he had survived for two months without him. 

It didn't matter, now. 

"I'll make sure Papa isn't sad anymore," Homelander promised. 

Ryan blinked up at Homelander while his father scanned the surrounding area, trying to find his husband. He had to be close by.... 

"Papa said not to call you." 

"Your father is just a little confused, buddy," Homelander said, gritting his teeth. "But we'll fix him right up." 

And then he finally found him. 

"Billy," Homelander whispered. Billy was sitting in front of a computer, but Homelander didn't particularly care what he was up to. Because Billy was _there_ , right in front of him. Healthy and _alive_. 

Homelander hoisted Ryan up on one arm, and swooped down. Billy was alive, he had _run away._

"Daddy?" Ryan hugged his neck, resting his little head on Homelander's shoulder. "Are we going to go home now?" 

"Not quite yet," Homelander couldn't take them back to the apartment. Billy had proven that he might flee the coup. "But we'll be together, I promise." 

He landed softly on the porch and walked with Ryan in his arms to the door leading to Billy's office. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. 

Billy looked up, saw him, and jumped up. 

"Homelander," He hissed, and Homelander shivered. The sound of Billy's voice made his flesh shiver with lust. But being called Homelander by his husband was infuriating. 

"Hello, my darling," Homelander said brightly. 

"Papa, look! I found Daddy," Ryan beamed, wiggling to get out of Homelander's arms. But Homelander held on to him. 

Billy raised his hands in submission and walked around the desk, "Homelander, put him down." 

"Papa...?" 

"It's all right, Ry," Homelander soothed. "Papa doesn't mean it. Do you, Billy?" 

_We don't want to scare our little boy now, do we?_

Billy swallowed, "No, 'course not." 

"I think it's time we head back to the city," Homelander said, and raised his free hand to Billy. "Come on." 

Billy hesitated, then his eyes flickered to Ryan and he moved forward, taking Homelander's hand. 

* 

There was a car outside of the cabin. It wasn’t Billy’s normal car. He must have left his car somewhere. Another way to start a new life. 

He put Ryan in his seat, and closed the door, turning to Billy. 

“Homelander,” Billy watched him carefully. 

“You,” Homelander waved his finger at Billy. “Have a _lot_ to answer for.” 

Billy shook his head, taking a step backwards. 

“Daddy, Papa, come _on!_ Let's go, let's go! I want ice cream; can I have ice cream?" 

Homelander rubbed his eyes, "We'll talk about this later. Has he eaten any sweets today or can we get him ice cream?" 

"I ain't doin' this with you," Billy hissed. "You ain't his _parent_ , I ain't your partner. You're a murderer and you ain't goin' nowhere near me boy." 

Homelander rushed forward and grabbed Billy by the neck. 

"Billy. Don't say things you'll regret." 

Billy gasped, grabbing Homelander's arm. 

"Pa-pa! Dad-dy!" 

Homelander breathed out and let Billy go. 

"Sorry, kiddo," He called out. "We're coming." 

* 

Madelyn knew something was very wrong when the door to the office opened and her personal assistant came rushing in. She was pale, and shaking. 

"What happened?" Madelyn stood up. 

"It's-it's Homelander," The woman whispered. "He's here with Billy and Ryan Butcher." 

"Oh, God," Madelyn placed a hand over her mouth. 

"He told me to get you." 

Madelyn nodded. She took a deep breath, steading herself, before she left the office. 

Homelander had took his returned husband to his own office. When Madelyn walked in, she saw Butcher sitting on the couch, his son on his lap. 

Ryan had his head on his father's shoulder, playing with his blond hair. He was watching his other father, who was leaning down next to the sofa and telling Ryan a story in soft tones. 

Madelyn watched the scene for a moment. Ryan seemed relaxed, snuggled comfortably and safely with his father. Homelander was just as calm, looking elated. 

Butcher was wound as tight as a spring. He caught Madelyn's eyes and nodded at her as if to say, _I know. I also thought it would work._

"Hello, Ms. Stillwell," Ryan waved at her. 

Homelander stopped in the middle of a sentence and turned to Madelyn. 

"Stay here with Ryan," Homelander said quietly, and walked out of the room. Madelyn followed him. 

Homelander closed the door behind him and leaned against it (what did he think, that Billy was going to try and run away with the kid?). 

"I'm not going to kill you," Homelander stated. "I need you for my career." 

Madelyn nodded, "But what _are_ you going to do?" 

"I haven't thought about it yet," Homelander said dismissively. "You're not exactly the first in my list of priorities. But you should know that I _am_ going to hurt you one day. Badly." 

"Homelander, you-you should know that Butcher told me that if I didn't help him, he was going to-" 

"I don't give a shit," Homelander hissed. "You took my son from me. You _took Billy_ from me." 

And that, Madelyn knew, was the worse crime she could have committed. An unforgivable one. 

"I'm sorry," She whispered. 

"I don't want your apology. I don't give a shit. You're going to go now, and get rooms in the Tower ready for us. I want an apartment at the top floor, that Billy wouldn't be able to get away from." 

Something she could do for him- thank God. He said he wouldn't kill her, and he wouldn't as long as he had use for her. Billy was back, and a Homelander who had his man was calculating, careful. He didn’t tend to act without thinking what he was doing beforehand. 

"Your old apartment should be secure enough. I'll have it cleaned and bring your effects from your old place." 

Homelander had kept all of Billy and Ryan's things, as if he always knew they would get back to him. Or maybe just because he was insane and probably masturbated into Butcher’s underwear or something. 

"Good. Now get out of my sight before I change my mind and snap your neck." 

Madelyn didn't wait to be told twice. 

* 

When Homelander walked back into the office, Billy was rummaging through the desk. 

"What exactly are you hoping to find?" Homelander whispered, wrapping an arm around Billy's waist. 

Billy stiffened, and grabbed the desk, so hard his knuckles turned white, “A knife to stick in your picker, maybe.” 

“Charming.” 

On the sofa, Ryan hugged the two halves of Nori and looked between his fathers. 

"He's scared," Homelander kissed Billy's ear as he whispered to him lowly. "Stop scaring him." 

He felt Billy take a deep breath, and then the man relaxed in his hold. 

"Good," Homelander whispered, holding Billy close. He grinned at Ryan over Billy's head and said, "All right, buddy, your Papa and I need to tell you something." 

Ryan nodded, putting Nori's head on the sofa, "Kay." 

"We're moving," Homelander gave Billy one last kiss on the forehead and moved over to Ryan. "We're going to live right here in the Vought Tower where Daddy works! And it's so close to the kindergarten, you won't even feel the difference. It was Papa's idea, actually." 

Billy stiffened again, but quickly collected himself. 

"Why, Papa?" Ryan asked, his little innocent eyes blinking. 

Billy rubbed his face and then smiled (a strained smile, but still, Homelander had to give him points for trying) and came to sit next to Ryan. 

"You remember what I told you, 'bout Daddy's mate?" 

"Who wants to hurt us?" 

"A friend of mine wants to hurt you," Homelander mumbled. He grinned. So Billy hadn't told Ryan that Homelander was endangering him. He cleared his throat and said, "Your father is right." 

"Is the friend still out there?" Ryan asked. 

"Aye," Billy cleared his throat. "And Daddy and I thought of a better plan, eh? Me and you, we're gonna be stayin' here where Daddy can keep us safe." 

"That's what you should have done from the beginning," Homelander mumbled softly. "Now! We should probably get some stiches for poor Nori, right?" 

* 

They spend the next few hours in his office, waiting for the new apartment to be ready. First they fixed Nori up (well, Billy did while Homelander and Ryan watched), and then Homelander had lunch brought over and they watched a children's animated movie about Soldier Boy. Homelander hated them watching that movie. He preferred Ryan watching _his_ movies. 

By the time Madelyn came back, it was getting dark and Ryan was getting sleepy, curled in the center of the sofa. He offered a mumbled protest when Homelander picked him up, but then yawned and said, "I want more ice cream." 

"I think you've had enough, don't you?" Homelander grinned. He was feeling much happier now, after a normal day with his family. Billy was stiff and angry, but he was hiding it well enough that Ryan didn't notice. He took hold of Billy's arm and steered him out of the room, following Madelyn. 

"We got all your effects from your old apartment, but they're all in boxes still," Madelyn said as she walked in front of the Butchers. 

"We'll take care of that," Homelander replied. He didn't want Madelyn looking at his and Billy's things. 

"'Course," Billy mumbled. "Normal parent-child activity, eh?" 

"Billy," Homelander said warningly. 

Billy glared at him, but kept quiet. 

Homelander's old apartment wasn't dusty anymore, but it was empty and white. Boring. Homelander missed their old apartment. He wished he could just take Billy and Ryan back home, where they had lived the past four years. 

It was a shame Billy was being such an annoying fuck. 

"I don't like it here," Billy said dryly. He raised an eyebrow when Homelander glared at him. "What? That is what you're thinkin', ain't it? You don't like it here." 

"We'll make it home," Homelander said. "He should start with Ryan's room." 

The apartment had four bedroom, with one being the master. Ryan chose one of the other three, the one with the best view of the sky (Ryan liked looking up at the start when he found it hard to fall asleep. He'd become obsessed with space a few months earlier, and could now recite the names of all the star compilations that could be seen from the New York sky), and they spend the time leading up to dinner getting his room as ready as they could, taking out his toys and clothes from the boxes. 

The room was empty of furniture (Homelander hadn't had any use for it when he lived there years earlier), so Homelander sat with Ryan on the computer to order furniture (and some new toys, because Ryan asked and Homelander couldn't say no). 

It was going to be a few days before the kitchen was ready to be used, so Homelander had the Vought workers order them cheeseburgers and they had an impromptu picnic on the living room floor. 

Throughout it all, Billy looked ready to bolt. But he _couldn't_. He was safe and secure and would never leave Homelander again. 

They put Ryan to sleep on the mattress brought over from their old apartment. Homelander watched from the door frame as Billy read Ryan a story ( _Horton Hears a Who!_ ) and tucked him in. As soon as he heard Ryan's breathing even out, he cleaned his throat and motioned Billy out of the room. It was time for the adults to talk. 

He grabbed Billy's wrists as soon as Billy was in the living room with him, and slammed him against the wall. He pulled Billy's arms over his head and leaned in to kiss him- 

Billy pulled away. 

Homelander froze. He took a step backwards, studying Billy. He was breathing hard, fury and pain warring for dominance in his eyes. 

It occurred to Homelander that Billy hadn't said a word to him in hours. 

He took a deep breath, "Why did you leave?" 

Billy sled down the wall, "I found out what you are. A killer." 

Homelander flinched, "You know who I am." 

Billy looked at him, expressionless, "I always knew I couldn't read you perfectly. I had to have someone show me." 

"If Madelyn told you something-" 

"It weren't Stillwell." 

" _Who_ then?" Whoever it was, Homelander was going to kill them. Slowly. 

Billy snorted, "You don't think I'd tell you, do you? You ain't that bloody daft." 

Homelander shook his head. It didn't really matter right now. 

"I don't know exactly," Homelander took a deep breath. "I don't know exactly what it is you were told-" 

"Not told. Shown. Shown many pictures." 

"Well," Homelander cleared his throat. "Whatever it was, I would never, ever hurt you and Ryan." 

He felt really stupid having to say that. Just the thought of him hurting _Billy_ was so fucking ridiculous. 

"I bloody _know_ that," Billy hissed. "That ain't what I'm worried about." 

"Then what _are_ you worried about?" Homelander raised his hands in exasperation. 

Billy stared at him. 

"The bloody _hell_ is wrong with you?!" He exploded, standing up. "I ain't lettin' me son be raised by a homicidal bloody manic!" 

"He's not _your_ son. He's _our_ son," Homelander moved forward with inhuman speed and slammed Billy against the wall. "He doesn't belong just to you." 

"He ain't your son," Billy hissed. "He’s _Becca's_ son." 

Homelander froze. 

"Tell me, Homelander," Billy whispered, his hand trailing up Homelander's arm. "Did you kill me wife?" 

Homelander leaned his head into the crook of Billy's neck. 

"We were happy together, weren't we?" Homelander asked, eyes closing 

"Aye," Billy agreed. "Very happy." 

Homelander smiled. 

"Did you kill me wife, Homelander?" 

"It doesn't matter, Billy," Homelander tried to tell him. "She doesn't matter. You were always meant to be with me. She _does not_ matter." 

"You killed her," Billy gasped, trying to push Homelander away. Homelander placed an open palm on his chest to keep him in place. "Let me bloody go you fuckin' arse!" 

"No," Homelander growled, pushing him hard. "It doesn't matter what happened with Becca, it's over. You're back here with me, that's all that matters." 

"Let me go!" 

"Papa?" 

Both Billy and Homelander froze. Homelander took his hands away from Billy immediately. Ryan was standing besides them, rubbing his sleepy eyes and clutching Nori in his arms. 

"Ryan," Billy whispered. Without looking at Homelander he swooped down and picked Ryan up. 

"Why are you screaming?" Ryan asked. He peered at Homelander. "Why were you pushing Papa?" 

Billy hugged Ryan close. 

"I wasn't," Homelander gritted his teeth. "Was I, Papa?" 

"No, 'course not," Billy cleared his throat and held on to Ryan tightly. "We were just fightin'. Daddy and Papa can fight sometimes, it don't mean nothin'. Let's get you back to sleep, aye?" 

"Ok," Ryan hugged his Papa's neck, looking at Homelander with nervous eyes as his father took him away. 

Homelander waited until Ryan was once more asleep, and then grabbed Billy by the arm, dragging him to their new bedroom. 

Billy kept quiet and pliant until Homelander slammed their bedroom door closed behind them. Then, as soon as they were safe from Ryan's ears, he started struggling, trying to escape from Homelander's hold. 

"Let me bloody go!" He yelled as Homelander pushed him towards the large bed. "Homelander-" 

"Don't call me that," Homelander hissed, and threw Billy on the bed. "My name is John." 

"I ain't callin' you that," Billy hissed right back, trying to knee Homelander in the groin. "I ain't your lover.". 

“Not your lover? I’m your husband, we’re fucking married,” Homelander grabbed Billy’s shirt and tore it off. He growled at the beautiful sight. Billy had been keeping on top of his exercise schedule. 

“Then consider this me filin’ for a fuckin’ divorce,” Billy hissed, pressing against the head board. He was trying to get as far away from Homelander as he possibly could. 

“We’re not _getting a divorce_ ,” Homelander said. What a fucking stupid idea. “We’re having issues, all couples have issues.” 

He hesitated, tilting his head. 

“Sex will help,” He decided, and swiftly took off his suit. 

Billy's eyes grew large. He shook his head, “I ain’t sleepin’ with you.” 

Homelander stopped in his attempt to open Billy’s jeans, “What?” 

“I _said_ , I ain’t sleepin’ with you,” Billy said slowly, as though he were talking to Ryan (actually, like he talked to Ryan when Ryan was an actual toddler). Homelander noticed that his hands were shaking. 

“But,” Homelander said, just as slowly. “ _I_ want to fuck. And we can’t always do what you want, darling.” 

Billy shook his head again, “No.” 

Homelander rolled his eyes, “Then we’ll just make out a bit.” 

“I said _no_!” 

“You need to learn how to compromise,” Homelander pushed Billy down and loomed over him. “We’re making out.” 

“John,” Billy said sharply, and Homelander froze. 

“You said my name,” He said, hearing the longing in his own voice. 

“If you do this,” Billy said quietly. “It will hurt me.” 

Homelander shook his head, "I would never hurt you. I know how to make you feel good. You know that." 

"But I don't _want it_ ," Billy hissed. "So it will hurt me." 

"But-" 

"No bloody buts. You wanna hurt me, you do this." 

He thought Billy is wrong-Homelander could make him feel perfect. But he wasn’t going to do anything that might hurt Billy. 

"Ok," He agreed, and lay down on the bed. "Let's go to sleep." 

Billy looked shocked as Homelander snuggled under the blankets. 

He patted the spot next to him. 

"Come on, we really should sleep." 

"Before Ryan gets up?" Billy mumbled. 

"It's two in the morning, we have a few more hours until then." 

"You scared him." 

Homelander frowned. 

" _I_ scared him? You were the one screaming. You woke him up." 

Billy shook his head, "I ain't an idiot. You pushed me against the wall." 

"You ran away," Homelander said, sharply. "That was your choice. I was angry, can you blame me?" 

Billy looked at him carefully, and then said, "You're bloody mad." 

"Billy-" 

" _You_ hurt _me_ , and you think that's me bloody fault?" 

Homelander looked up at the ceiling. He had an uncomfortable sensation in the pit of his stomach. Pushing it down, he said, "Whatever I did to you, the pain you caused me was worse. You can be sure of that, buddy." 

He heard Billy swallow, and when he spoke his voice was sad and small. 

"I had to leave." 

"You know that's not true," Homelander threw the blanket off. He sat with his back to the head board and pulled Billy into his arms. 

His husband was cold and stiff in his arms, but he held on tightly to Homelander's arm. 

"You could have just _stayed_. You could have just ignored what you learned," Homelander said, placing his chin on Billy's neck. "Our lives could have just continued." 

Billy shook his head harshly, “You’re a killer, a bloody torturer.” 

“And you’re in love with me,” Homelander pointed out. “So what does that say about you?” 

Billy froze in his arms. 

Suddenly, Homelander felt ridiculously tired. He sighed and pulled the blanket over him and Billy. 

“We really _should_ go to sleep,” He gave Billy a kiss on the back of the neck. 

Billy stayed silent, and Homelander held on to him, afraid that he might leave in the middle of the night. 

* 

When he woke up, the bed was empty. 

For a moment Homelander panicked. Had he dreamed it all? Was Billy still dead, was Ryan still a heap of ash in the bottom of the ocean? 

His eyes grew red, and he was ready to bring the fucking building down, when he heard a voice from outside the room. 

“Why did you fight with Daddy?” 

Hoemlander let out a shaky breath. That was Ryan. They were here, they were alive. 

“It doesn't matter.” And there was Billy. Homelander almost cried. 

“I don’t like it when you fight.”

 _That’s my boy_ , Homelander thought, smug. 

“Parents fight,” Billy replied, probably sharper then he’d intended. He took a deep breath and said, voice softer, “I’m sorry. Everythin’s fine, eh? You're safe.” 

“You _said_ we were safe at the cabin.” 

“We were.” 

“Why did we leave, then?” Ryan sniffed. “I don’t like it here.” 

“Thought you didn’t like the cabin. Can't please you, can we?” Billy was teasing, but Ryan just sighed in response. “Ry?” 

“I don’t like it here! And I didn’t like the cabin! I want to go _home_!” 

“Ryan!” 

Homelander looked through the walls to see Billy hoisting Ryan up while the boy tried to kick him. 

“I hate you! You’re _mean_ and I want to go home!” 

“Ryan!” Homelander bellowed, coming into the living room with lighting speed. “Don’t hit your father.” 

“Do not,” Billy hissed, getting up with Ryan in his arms. “Yell at him.” 

“It’s better then lying to him,” Homelander replied. Ryan was clinging to Billy, who was holding _their_ son as if he needed to protect him from Homelander. He turned to Ryan. “You know how Papa told you that Daddy has a friend who wanted to hurt you? He lied. He thought Daddy would hurt you.” 

“Homelander,” Billy said, warningly. “Stop.” 

“Papa doesn’t trust me. Isn't that silly?” Homelander tried smiling, but it didn’t work. Instead of agreeing that his papa was indeed being silly, Ryan just held on to Billy tighter and looked at Homelander with wide eyes. 

Afraid of him. 

Like Homelander had been afraid of Vogelbaum. 

“I’m sorry,” He said. Vogelbaum never apologized, so that should be enough. It didn’t seem to be enough. Ryan kept holding on to Billy, hugging his neck. 

Homelander groaned.

“Stop looking at me like that. I didn’t do anything wrong! Your Papa was the one that left!” 

“Stop yelling,” Billy hissed, and walked away with Ryan. 

Ryan was scared. Billy was angry and distant. 

What was Homelander going to do-? 

No. 

If Ryan was scared, it was because of the trauma _Billy_ inflicted on him by taking him away. This was all Billy’s fault. 

Well, no. That wasn’t true either. It was the fault of whoever it had been that told Billy about Homelander’s...actions. 

Billy didn’t understand. He just didn’t get that Homelander was not a human, so he shouldn’t be held to human moral standards. Homelander never should have kept that from Billy. He should have tied Billy down and killed Becca in front of him, just to show him that nothing happens to him when he hurts people. 

Why would anything happen to him? He’s a god. Gods can do whatever they want. 

It's infuriating, that Billy doesn’t get that. He really should appreciate that he’s the love of a fucking _god’s_ life. Billy enjoyed preening, _this_ should be what he was preening about. 

Homelander sat down and rubbed his face. Ryan was upset, but he just needed time to get used to his new home. Of course he didn’t feel comfortable yet, the place was full of boxes and the kitchen didn’t even have a stove (when he lived there, Homelander did _not_ cook, so there was no use for one). 

They just needed a few days to get settled. 

* 

“We should go on a camping trip,” Homelander announced, walking into Ryan’s bedroom. “It’s going to take a few days for the apartment to be ready for us, and we’re all getting stir crazy, I think. What do you think?” 

Billy, still holding Ryan tightly, narrowed his eyes at Homelander, “Bloody _what_?” 

“A camping trip,” Homelander repeated. “Somewhere by the ocean, maybe? We can go swimming.” 

Swimming like they had the day of Billy and Ryan’s ‘death’. 

He wasn’t going to think about that. 

Ryan beamed (thank God for children’s short memories) and wiggled out of Billy’s hold. He bounced over to Homelander and chirped, “We’ll make smores?” 

“Of course! What’s the point of having a campsite and not smores?” 

“Or hotdogs!” 

“Hotdogs as well,” Homelander peered at Billy. “What do you say, Papa? Should we get away?” 

Billy hesitated, but he cleared realized Homelander wasn’t really asking, “Yeah. All right.” 

“Great,” Homelander nodded. He tried to give Billy a reassuring smile, but of course that didn’t work. Billy wasn’t interested in being reassured. 

* 

The camping trip was as close to happy Homelander got since the loss of his family. They went on a family-friendly trek that took them to the ocean. It was spring, so it was the perfect weather for hiking. Ryan was beaming, as happy as can be, and stuck to Homelander most of the time. 

Hiking, and being in nature in general, was an activity that belonged to Homelander and Ryan. Ryan loved exploring nature, and Homelander loved watching Ryan explore. So this was the best way to get Ryan comfortable with him again, and it worked. 

There were a few other families on the trail, but since it was a Tuesday and there wasn’t any vacation at the moment, there really weren't too many people. But it was enough that Homelander had had to put on his ‘John’ costume, the glasses and brown hair dye.

When he’d come out of the bathroom with them on, Billy had stared at him with wide eyes. 

“Billy? Are you...” Homelander had trailed off when Billy rubbed at his eyes. He'd been _crying_. 

Billy was subdued during the hike. He didn’t seem angry or anything, just silently sad. Ryan seemed to notice, so gave his Papa many hugs and kisses before bouncing back to Homelander. Homelander had not wanted to talk to Billy himself too much, afraid he might explode on him. 

(He could handle Billy’s anger, it was the fear he couldn’t deal with. And Ryan got afraid when Billy got angry.)

When they reached the campsite, it was still far to early for a fire, and any kind of dinner, so Homelander and Ryan put on their swimsuits and went into the water (Homelander was afraid for a moment that Billy might try to run away while Homelander was in the water, but dismissed the thought immediately. No way would Billy ever, _ever_ leave Ryan behind). Ryan showed Homelander that he had learned how to breast-stroke, and Homelander timed him swimming the same length a few times, to see if he was faster with a butterfly-stroke or a breast-stroke. Afterwards they spent some time finding pretty rocks (Ryan had a collection, which he hadn’t taken with him to the cabin). 

It was all enough to make Ryan exhausted by the time they got out of the water (which was good, because Homelander wanted him asleep as quickly as possible. Billy and him needed some daddy-papa time). 

Billy had already set the tent up and started the fire. He raised his arms to Ryan, and the boy ran to him. 

“You’re all wet, Ry, you shouldn’t sit on Papa,” Homelander said. He looked around, making sure they were alone, and then wiggled out of his swimsuit. He grabbed a towel and began drying himself off. 

Billy looked away from Homelander’s naked body, and Ryan joined in cheerfully. Before long they were both dry (if a bit sandy and smelling of salt) and dressed in new clothes, and Ryan was jumping back to Billy and settling on his lap. 

"You like swimin' with Daddy," Billy whispered to Ryan, holding him close. 

Ryan nodded enthusiastically, "I want smores now, please." 

Billy sighed deeply, and nodded, "Yeah, smores. All right." 

* 

It took three smores and a hotdog before Ryan slipped into sleep in Billy's arms. Homelander looked at his husband, holding their little boy in his arms. With the flickering light of the fire illuminating his face, he looked like an angel. 

Homelander slipped over to him, "He's asleep, let's put him in the tent." 

"Why?" Billy asked. "What you lookin' to do?" 

Homelander sighed deeply, "You cried." 

Billy glared at him, "What?" 

"When you saw me with the glasses," Homelander explained. "You were crying. Don't lie and say you weren't. Why were you crying?" 

Billy sighed and caressed Ryan's hair back from his forehead, "Suppose I'm in mournin'." 

"In _mourning_?" Homelander stared at Billy, wondering if maybe he'd gone mad. "In moruning for _what_ , exactly?" 

"My husband, I suppose." 

"Your husband is right here," Homelander said, straining to get past the fury in his throat. 

"My husband never existed," Billy replied. "He was a costume, weren't he?" 

Homelander shrugged, looking at the fire, "It's all a mask, isn't it. Homelander, John, everything is a mask. Billy Butcher is a mask. We all put on masks for other people." 

"That's a bloody deep sociological statement," Billy sneered. "You been readin' Goffman? But it ain't true. Everythin' 'bout you may be a mask, but not me. Not most people." 

"That's not-I love you. I didn't mean that that wasn't real. I love you and I love Ryan and that's real. I didn't lie to you about that. And the man you loved was real, is real. Just because there are other...sides to me you don't know doesn't mean I'm not real." 

"It does, though," Billy closed his eyes, and Homelander felt a pang in his heart when he realized he was crying again. "I thought you were kind, and good. And you ain't." 

Homelander got up, "Give me Ryan." 

"No-" 

"I'm just putting him to bed," Homelander said. "I'm not taking him away. You can give him to me." 

Billy didn't seem happy about it, but handed Ryan over. Homelander quickly put him inside his sleeping bag in the tent. When he got back to the fireplace, Billy was curled into himself, weeping openly. 

"Billy..." Homelander whispered. He rushed to his husband and took him into his arms. "It's all right." 

Billy shook his head, trying to get away from Homelander, but Homelander wasn't going to let him go that easily. 

"Everything is going to be ok," Homelander whispered into Billy's ear as he struggled. 

"No, no, no." 

"It will, we're going to be fine-" 

“Shut up! You killed Becca! You killed me wife,” Billy twisted in Homelander’s arms and glared at him. "D'you wanna know, what I was doin' the past two months?" 

Homelander nodded, though something in Billy's nearly-manic expression told him that no, he didn't really want to know. 

Billy leaned forward, and whispered in his ear, "Tryin' to find a way to shank you." 

Homelander stilled. 

"You're lying," He tried. Billy smirked. He wasn't lying. 

"You little shit," Homelander hissed, suddenly so angry he was finding it hard to think. "You fucking dick!" 

He stood up, dragging Billy up by his neck. 

"Everything that I've done for you," He hissed, tightening his hold on Billy's neck. "You have no idea what I did for you. I waited for two fucking years to be with you. I let Becca live for eight months more then I wanted because of Ryan. I could have just killed her and Ryan and taken you away. But I didn't. I let her live, I let Ryan live." 

Billy tried to say something, his eyes watering. He was getting red, trying very hard to breath. Homelander kept squeezing. He wanted Billy to get that Homelander could do whatever he wanted. Homelander could kill Billy, he could kill Ryan, he could do whatever he wanted. 

He kept squeezing until Billy lost consciousness, then grabbed his body and flew away with him. 

Ryan was sleeping, he would be fine. And if he woke up, he was smart enough not to wonder into the woods. 

Homelander took Billy back to their apartment. Not the one in Vought Tower-their home, the apartment where they had raised Ryan, the place where they first slept together. 

He tied Billy to their bed (the Vought workers had left the mattress) with the clothes he ripped off him, spread eagle. 

Homelander didn't want to wait to get started until Billy woke up. So he coated his fingers with saliva and picked up Billy's knees. 

The saliva wasn't enough, this was going to be somewhat painful to Billy no matter what Homelander did. By then, though, Homelander wanted Billy to be hurt, just a little bit. 

He leaned down by the bed and pulled Billy's legs upwards, exposing his hole. 

"Beautiful, look at you," Homelander sighed. "I missed this." 

So pink and puckered, so beautiful. Homelander sucked his middle finger again, and brushed against the hole. 

Above him, Billy let out a confused groan. Homelander smirked, and wiggled the tip of his finger in. It was tight and closed off, and Homelander couldn't even get his first knuckle in. 

"Home-Homelander," Billy gasped, his feet tugging on his binds. "What-where's Ry?" 

"Asleep. He's fine," Homelander replied. 

"Did you _leave him in the woods_?" Billy screeched. "Stop!" 

Homelander thrust his finger in, two knuckles deep. He had to push hard, and when he took his finger out, it was wet with blood. Well, he'd use that for the lubricant. 

"Homelander, stop!" 

"No," Homelander kissed the inside of Billy's thigh. "He's sleeping, you don't have to worry about him right now. I want you to worry about me." 

"We ain't doin' this! Get me son!" 

He was thrusting, trying to get away. Homelander let him have his temper tantrum, and carefully wiggled his finger back in. He got his middle finger halfway in, and then a second one. It was a tight fit, but he got it in, and once both fingers were buried inside, he carefully began scissoring. 

Billy's dick lay limp and soft on his stomach. Homelander was going to work very hard on that. 

Billy was capable of coming just from being fucked. Actually, he could come just from fingers in his ass. Right now, though, Homelander got the sense that that would not be enough. 

"Homelander, I swear to bloody God if you don't let me go to get Ryan I will _kill_ you!" 

"You've been trying that already," Homelander thrust his fingers deeper. 

"Fuck!" Billy cursed. 

"Did that hurt?" Homelander cooed, kissing Billy's thighs again. "That's good. You should hurt a bit, because you hurt me a lot. You have no idea how much I was hurt the past two months." 

Billy gritted his teeth. Homelander leaned forward, continuing to twist his fingers inside Billy while he breathed over his dick. 

"Don't," Billy said in warning tone, but what could he do? He was tied up, he was a human. 

Homelander hummed, and licked Billy's dick, enjoying the wonderful taste. 

"I'm going to make you feel so good," Homelander licked Billy until he was entirely wet and starting to grow hard. Then he took him into his mouth and sucked him hard. 

"Fuck-" Billy groaned. "Stop." 

Homelander hummed around Billy and twisted a third finger in. There didn't seem to be any new blood, so he wasn't tearing Billy anymore. There was still a tear inside of him, somewhere. Homelander was going to have to take him to a doctor after they were done. 

Homelander kept sucking until Billy was hard as a rock. Then he pulled his legs further up his chest and pushed his dick into Billy's waiting hole. He groaned, pushing deeper inside of him. He began thrusting, gasping in pleasure, and bent down to kiss Billy's lips. He tried to move away, but Homelander caught him and kissed him deeply. 

Billy came first, splashing on Homelander's stomach. Homelander was quick to follow, coming inside of his husband. 

When it was over, and they lay panting on the bed, Billy said, "Let me go." 

"Be quiet for a moment, Billy. Let's enjoy the afterglow." 

Billy pulled his arms in an attempt to escape again, "Let me bloody go! Ryan-" 

"Enough! I'm sick of hearing about Ryan!" Homelander slammed his chest into Billy's left leg, hearing the crack of a bone breaking. 

Billy didn't let out a sound, just grunted and glared at Homelander with such hatred in his eyes that Homelander almost screamed in fury. 

"Sorry," He whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. You just made me so angry-" 

"That ain't gonna work," Billy hissed, pain clear in his voice. "You ain't gonna convince me that this is me fault." 

"We need to get you to a doctor now," Homelander said, getting up. 

Billy shook his head, "Get Ryan." 

"After we go to the doctor," Homelander promised. 

* 

Ryan wasn't in the tent when Homelander came to look for him. The tent was open, and empty. Ryan's sleeping bag was still in there. But no Ryan.

"Fuck," Homelander hissed, heart pounding in his chest. Where was his son, had someone taken him? 

Homelander scanned the woods quickly, until he found him. Ryan was seated on a tree trunk, hugging himself and crying. 

"My poor baby," Homelander whispered. Ryan was cold and and wet from the nightly rain. He zipped through the forest, uprooting trees as he went, and scooped Ryan into his arms. 

"D-Daddy?" Ryan mumbled, looking up at his father through the blond hair plastered on his face. 

"Hey, buddy, you look tired. Let's get you somewhere warm." 

"I want my Papa," Ryan whimpered. 

Homelander heaved Ryan up and flew him away (quickly, Ryan was cold and Homelander wanted to get him inside as fast as possible) back to Vought Tower and their apartment. 

"Where's Papa?" Ryan mumbled while Homelander took his wet clothes off in the bathroom. 

"He's-" For a moment Homelander considered lying, but no. Ryan needed to know the truth. If Billy ever tried to run away again, Homelander wanted Ryan to understand that his father did silly things sometimes and he should stop him. "Papa is with the doctor, he'll be back soon." 

"Why's Papa at the doctor's?" Ryan asked as Homelander placed him in the warm bath. "Is he sick? Does he have a bad cold like I did?"

"Because his leg is broken. Daddy broke it because Papa was being mean." 

Ryan stared at him, and then his lower lip began to wobble. 

"I want Papa!" He screamed, thrusting in the water. 

Homelander groaned, and hid his face in his hands. 

Great. So Ryan was being difficult as well. He could already tell that the next few weeks were going to be difficult. 


End file.
